that you didn’t abuse us

that you didn’t traumatise every single one of us

that you didn’t destroy our lives

that you didn’t leave us starving

that you didn’t lock us in for 15 years and made sure we never made contact with any human being ever or even go outside to see how God created the world and how it worked. And if we did go out and we talked to a human you’d make sure the bruises make us remember why we shouldn’t.

that you didn’t constantly hit my mum and tell her she’s worthless and made her actually believe that

My mum not only thinks she’s worthless. Ever since i remember she’s always been wearing that one abaya that she never changes, its always been the same one for 20 years.

You made my mum make dua everyday at fajr that none of us would die from the beatings. She’s supposed to make dua for us to stay safe from the outside world….not the one living with us. 

You never ever took us a doctor, you know they would see all the blood clotted bruises and scars on our bodies. 

And the saddest part is that we all thought thats how you love someone, you hurt them.

The bruises on our bodies wasn’t love

The pain in our eyes wasn’t relief

I can never look at any object the same way anyway. Not belts, not hangers not metal rods not poles not walls not hands. I can’t look at anything the same anymore.

Remember when we asked you why you wouldn’t let us out? and you told us its a scary world out there? it was very ironic.

Remember when in grade 2 the police came to our house because my teacher suspected it and you forced me to nodd when they asked if the scars were from my sister Tasneem? and the next day you made me move schools..

I took the beatings for my brothers because i heard them talking about running away one night

When you kicked mum to lebanon i was so scared my body wasn’t strong enough to protect all 6 of my siblings at that time but you know what? it was, i was wrong. When i saw the fear and the hatred in their eyes, my body acted as a shield for all 6 of them. I wasn’t breathing and you just left me lying there and left the house and left my siblings screaming for help. I had to smile and i thought i was going to die that moment but at least they weren’t harmed. If my mum could do it every single day of her life, i could do it for a day.

That day you put us in a corner and called us insignificant bugs and sprayed pesticide on us until the bottle ran out even though aseel has asthma

The day you broke my ribs

The days you locked my mum out and let her hear our screams coming from inside the room

That day my mum called my uncle from lebanon to open the window and check if we’re ok and that same moment he was bashing us

But we’re alive

I am so proud of all of them, i wish they could relive their childhood

I wish i could help them get over it

I wish i videotaped the day we all left the house because you disowned us and we started screaming and jumping because we had freedom to leave the house and we were obsessing over how it feels like to walk on roads because we’ve never done it before.

I love how we actually hesitated and thought we might get attacked if we left the doorstepped, thats how naive we were.

The day you woke up my 5 year old sister and threw at her walls and belted her 

When you grab pans and hit our kidneys

When you kick your knees into our stomachs

We all don’t know how to love

We’re all still living in fear but we’re slowly learning

how to cope with this “Scary world” 

The existence of all 8 of us serves as a fuck you.